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1) Thesis or focus

After reading Kim’s essay , one notices that  his essay discusses about consumerism and land ethics he starts the paper  with  a short thesis sentence. The thesis is the first sentence that identifies that the author will focus on the unending desires of the human beings.  In part, two of the essay, the thesis statement of the second part of the essay is the meaning of land ethics. The purpose of the essay is to highlight the problem of consumerism and the unending desires of humans while the second part is to identify the different meanings of the term land ethics. After reading the first, one gets the impression that the paper will discuss the unending desires of the human being but after reading the second paragraph, one notices that the writer narrows down the topic to consumerism. The second part of the essay gives the impression that the writer will discuss about land ethics throughout the essay. The introduction can be made more effective by the Kim outlining what he was going to write about in a longer thesis statement that summarizes all the content in the essay.

2) Audience and purpose

 Kim can clarify in his essay the purpose of the paper through writing a clear thesis statement.  The thesis statement should be longer to explain what the paper will discuss. The paper is intended to highlight the problem of consumerism in society in the first part of the essay while the second part highlights the different meanings of the word ‘land ethics’.  Kim can make the paper more appealing to readers by incorporating titles to give the reader a clear picture of what the paper discuses. The author should also consider dividing the essay into two parts because the second part of the essay discusses land ethics while the first part discusses consumerism.

3) Organization

 The first paragraph of Kim’s essay discusses about the unending desires of the human being while the second and the third paragraph discusses about consumerism. The third paragraph discuses entirely about land ethics. From the thesis statement of the first essay, one expects the paper to discuss about human desires but the second paragraph moves to a new topic about consumerism. The third paragraph deviates to a new and different topic entirely because it discusses about land ethics. The paragraphs are not also well organized. The essay is confusing because the first part discusses about consumerism while the second part discusses   land ethics.

4) Development

Kim’s essay is poorly developed .The thesis statement does not connect well with the topic of discussion.  In the first part of the essay .the examples given to illustrate consumerism in society are also not clear and there needs to be better examples. There are many grammatical mistakes in the essay in need correction. There definitions of ethics in the second part of the essay are also not clear.

5) Sentence structure and   grammar

There are many grammar mistakes in Kims essay. They include

….Scolds for endless desires human has’   the statement is wrong. It should read ‘scolds the endless desires of human beings…

….Technology has innovated peoples life…..it should read, technology has changed peoples lives….

…….. It has made life’s comfort and abundant. The statement should read …. It has made human lives to be   lives of comfort and abundance.

…… The author appears metaphorically…. it should be…. ‘Appeals metaphorically’

The statement ‘The author shows shapes consumerism’ should read the author illustrates consumerism…

Do not chew at all should be did you chew at all?

 ‘Also the author draws’ is a split infinitive its should be ‘the author also draws’

 ‘A lot of commercial films’ should be ‘many commercial films’.

‘The result of those things’ the correct sentence should be.’ the result of using such products’

…… Approaches the meaning of ethic ‘should be explores the meaning of ethics ….

‘An ethic ecologically’ should be in ecological terms, ethics….

 ‘An ethic philosophically should be in philosophical terms ethics’…

‘The thing has its origins ‘should be ‘the definitions have their origins…

‘As expanding the meaning of ethic’ wrong sentence, It should read ‘to expand the meaning of ethics’….

 ‘Thinks that the human being ‘….the is inappropriate should read, thinks that human beings

‘A member in ecosystem should add ‘the’ to the sentence   to read a member in the ecosystem

‘Basic weakness in a conservation ‘a’ is inappropriate read ‘weakness in conservation’

 ‘Members of land community have no economic value ‘This is an ambiguous statement

‘What he mentions about land ethics’. Wrong sentence structure, the sentence should read ‘what the author identifies about land ethics ‘…

Code: Sample20

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